| Some thoughts |
[28 Apr 2005|05:28pm] |
I woke up this morning at 5:30 for not apparent reason and couldn't get back to sleep. I thought about a lot of things, and here are some of them.
I love girls who are very small with delicate features who wear their hair all spikey and pixie-ish. I wish I could but my nose and chin are so round.
I feel like I'm trapped inside my fat, like it's a marble cage and I'm inisde with a little chisel chipping away at it until one day it will all crumble and fall away and the real me will be free.
It's true, after your body switches into ketosis you don't even want to eat anymore...it's easy. Ketosis is a bitch, though; I always get stomach and head aches and feel awful for one day, then I'm super. I can't remember the last time I ate, like really ate. It makes me get tipsy off of one drink, though. Maybe I don't have a good tolerance for alcohol, I was always just so full of carbs and fat and shit that it didn't get absorbed.
I switch between extremes of feelings about food. Like, I don't want it, period. But sometimes I feel like I'm fat and hideous and don't deserve it, and other times I feel logical and like I should, even if I'm not hungry. Wierd.
My acid reflux has been aaaaaaawful. Need to get some prilosec otc.
I feel like people, even people who are fat and ugly are staring at me and thinking "God, SHE'S so fat and ugly!"
I always find the fatest person in the room and look at them and think "oh no, that's what *I* look like." Even if I know they're way bigger than me. I have no concept of relativity anymore.
So we're down almost 20 lbs and going strong. I'll be thinner than ever at graduation, but never thin enough.
Lauren
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| Today |
[10 Apr 2005|07:00pm] |
Today I have eaten the following:
2 mugs of green/black tea blend
2 glasses of limeade (homemade: lime juice, water)
15 packets of splenda between the two
I think I'm doing well. Damn if I'm not tired, though.
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| Enough |
[31 Mar 2005|07:04pm] |
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Lost more weight. Feel weak and nausteated. My stomach hurts. It's never going to be enough. Ever.
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| Confused |
[02 Jun 2004|01:54pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 confused |
] |
How is it that I've been on a week and a half long binge, am almost 5 kg above my lowest...and I'm suddenly wearing a size 12? What? Not that I'm complaining...
And I think my metabolism has sped back up, because no matter how much I eat I'm not gaining, so now I think if I start fasting again I'll loose a bunch, right? I want to fast until I hit 84. Problem is, I eat because I don't have anything else to do. I don't want to eat, I'm not hungry, but...I still do. Man, I hate EDNOS. Hate it.
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| HATE |
[27 May 2004|07:57pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 crushed |
] |
I am such a failure.
No food since 4 pm today, Thursday. I want no less than 100 hours.
Hate.
I need to be thinner. It's all I want in the world. I don't want to be paraded in front of friends and family at the wedding being a fat cow like I am now. I can't do it. I want to be down 15 kg by then. A month.
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| Fast |
[21 May 2004|06:36pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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restless |
] |
Longest I've been able to go without any food on water alone was FOUR days.
I am to beat that this time around.
Only water and water with lemon starting tonight at midnight. Five days would take me to Wed at midnight.
I'm excited.
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| Start of SH |
[20 May 2004|10:43am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 distressed |
] |
Day one, weigh in.
Today, I am at 90.5 kg!?!?
HOLY EFFING SHIT! How did THAT happen? I mean...three bad days, yeah, but 4.5 kg gain??? OH man. Ohmanohmanohman.
That, for all the Americans is 199.1 lbs. I was in the 180's a few days ago! I HATE THIS! I am such a weak fat slob! Jesus, have mercy on me!
Ok. Well, rant over. Now I'm 800 times more determined to lose on this Sacred Heart plan. Ugg. I am so disgusting.
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| Present |
[17 May 2004|07:03pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 determined |
] |
I'm down another kg. The alternating water/juice seems to work quite well for me, and I don't exercise on the water days due to lack of energy, but I do on the juice days. So...there it is.
But I bought myself the BEST present today! For motivation, of course. No, not tiny clothes, not magazines...a pedometer! I tells me how far I walk/run, times me, and even gives calories burned based on my weight! It is the best thing I've gotten recently, and for under 10 quid! It's such a kick in the ass to see the little numbers roll up...I love it. Thank you, Argos.
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| The ULTIMATE goal list |
[16 May 2004|04:12pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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motivated |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Rocky theme! |
] |
Here we go, I'm putting it all down so I can't fudge out of it.
I'll do kg and pounds, because I'll have to go back to the American system when I move home for the summer.
Height: 5'9"
Highest: 114 kg, 250 lbs, BMI 36.9
Started (this time): 100 kg, 220 lbs, BMI 32.5
STG1: 90 kg, 198 lbs, BMI 29.2 *reached*
STG2: 84 kg, 185 lbs, BMI 27.3
STG3: 80 kg, 176 lbs, BMI 26.0
STG4: 77 kg, 169 lbs, BMI 25.0
STG5: 73 kg, 161 lbs, BMI 23.8
STG6: 70 kg, 154 lbs, BMI 22.7
STG7: 67 kg, 147 lbs, BMI 21.7
LTG: 64 kg, 141 lbs, BMI 20.8
CURRENTLY: 87 kg, 191.4 lbs, BMI 28.3
GOAL by July 3rd (sister's wedding!): 79 kg, 174 lbs, BMI 25.7
I figure this way my goals aren't terribly spread apart, so I'll feel like I'm accomplishing something. And that is a boost in self-esteem, and encouragement to keep going! Let's watch it come off, finally...it's now WHEN, not IF.
I'm not giving date goals, because once again, if I miss it then I feel terrible and that doesn't help anyone...feeling bad=doing bad things.
Seize the day!
And remember, "Quod me nutrit, me destruit."
Think thin.
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| hmm |
[16 May 2004|12:11pm] |
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Is it sad that I'm more excited to get home to see my digital scale than to see my friends and family?
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| Yippee |
[13 May 2004|09:25am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 accomplished |
] |
Today we're 88 kg. Still fat as a cow, but improvement, and that makes me feel good. I was laying in bed and i could feel the individual bumps of my ribs...it was a amazing. I can't wait till I can do that standing up.
I had to eat last night after my day of water fast, because my stomach was growling so loud and so much I literally couldn't sleep. And thing is...I didn't want to eat! I wasn't hungry, and it took me 5 minutes to find something, and when I did eat it I kept burping and felt almost like I couldn't keep it down, even thought it was only a wineglass full of cornflakes and a splash of semi-skim milk. It was great!
And I fixed things with Nick last night, which is a load off my mind. Don't want him to get any more ideas. Phew.
Had a really bizarre dream last night, about traveling and a Girl Scout hotel and a wierd kind of dark artsy guy I met, and cutting with knives and the sixth sense. But the worst part was my sister. She had ana, like pretty bad. And she's already skinny, but she was just wasting away, and there was nothing I could do...it hurt so bad. But I'm really fat, so until I get thin, I figure I don't have to worry, right?
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| New plan |
[11 May 2004|11:20am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 hopeful |
] |
Ok, here we go.
I felt really ill after 4 days of just water, with no energy whatsoever and all kinds of pains and such. But i did loose 2 kg. So I bought juice, which led to a binge of all sorts. Not a terrible one, and I didn't feel all that bad about it, but here's the new plan:
Alternating days of juice fast/water fast until I go home on June 15th. Not counting yesterday, that'd make 40 days of fasting, which has religious signifigance. I figured out that I need to not just be doing this for myself in order to succeed. I'm offering this up and no longer putting myself at the forefront. It's a sacrifice, a detox, a spiritual journey. I can do this.
Today I'm going tanning, shopping, and getting some suppliments and organic juice from the vegan store in town. This is a brand new day, a brand new way, and I will succeed.
Good luck to you all.
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[03 May 2004|05:35pm] |
I don't know anymore. It's finally feeling real. I can feel Ana looking over my shoulder, and now she's running the show, not me.
I keep reading everywhere that if I want to lose more weight, I need to eat more than the average 200 or less calories that I do a day, but... I tried. I don't want to. I can't. I tried picking at things in the fridge, but they disgust me. I couldn't finish a whole tomato, and that was even after I scraped the low-fat cream cheese off of it. I just want the weight to come off, and fast. I see all the stereotypical anorexic girls and they're stupidly thin...so why can't I just be normal-thin?
Worst part is I'm afraid that even if I lose everything, all the weight I'll never be really thin. Size 8 at best, if I weighed nothing...I know I have a big frame. I want to cry, but I can't. I just want it to be over. I want people to love me. I want to love me.
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| Score! |
[01 May 2004|10:08am] |
| [ |
mood |
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accomplished |
] |
Yessss! I reached my STG today, after like a week of plateauing within a kg of it! I feel GREAT! I bought myself a new shirt yesterday to celebrate when I did, and boom! This morning, there it was! Got a lot of comments from my corridormates too, which was kind of cool. Alright, new goal time. Gotta keep working!
CW: 90 kg
STG: 84 kg
That's 6 kg...think I can do it in 2 weeks? Let's hope, and set the tentative date for the 17th of May, which gives me a little cushion, and is also the day of a final and a Dr.'s appointment. Here we go!!
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| Stats |
[08 Mar 2004|12:53am] |
H: 5'9"
CW: 100kg
HW: 114kg
LW: 86kg
STG: 90k
LTG: 65kg
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| New fast |
[08 Mar 2004|12:49am] |
| [ |
mood |
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determined |
] |
Starting Monday, liquids only. Water and diet soda, bouillion if I need it. Just bought two new types: tomato and herb and low salt vegetable. Gotta love the organic vegan store. Hopefully by the end of it I'll be down 5 kg, so I'm going to do my damndest not to stop till then. I've got to. I'm so sick of all this, of myself.
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